God is my midwife

"How did we ever get the idea that God would supply us on demand with quick fixes, that God is merely a rescuer, and not a midwife?" -Sue Monk Kidd

After writing about my woes with waiting, my loving Aunt sent me a book by Sue Monk Kidd titled: When the Heart Waits. After reading the first few pages, I knew this was not a book for the faint of heart. I could already feel the words looking around in the dark for a light switch. Not ready to go there, I surrendered it to my night stand where it glared at me every night before I went to bed. Timing is key, and I knew it wasn't the right time until last night.

After undergoing a weekend of literal transformation, there was quite an unveiling of my thinking. My church has this requirement for all of our leaders to attend what they call an "Encounter Weekend". Since I attended something similar to this 8 years ago, I've been sort of "grandfathered" in. Feeling the conviction of being the worship leader, I felt it was necessary for me to go ahead and attend. How's that for honesty?

I really didn't have high expectations. I knew I had dealt with a lot of these things eight years ago, so what else could there be? It's amazing how much unforgiveness, judgments, vows, and ungodly beliefs creep back in without you even knowing. The first night, I was hit with the realization that I let fear have the reins quite a bit. Not only that, but my way of dealing with fear is escape. y-u-c-k. Both of those were revelations, but the real kicker was my large amount of unbelief. That's right, I'm a Christian and I struggle with unbelief.

I had no idea that I viewed God as this Being that was waiting for me to have all my ducks in a row, and even then there was STILL something I needed to do before He could bless me. y-u-c-k. I realized just how powerless my prayers have been. If I think that I'm not good enough to receive anything, then what am I going to do? NOT RECEIVE ANYTHING. Thus feeding my unbelief.

"He loves me because He loves me because that is who He is." -Graham Cooke

So after having all of this revelation, I found myself sinking back into the "I'm not good enough and will never get the desires of my heart" syndrome. double y-u-c-k. And there it was sitting on my nightstand begging for me to read it. I knew it was time, but wow did it ever hurt. I read until my heart couldn't take the digging any longer- 38 pages worth.

I have been a "fix me" sort of person my whole life. Come do it quick so I can move on.

"How did we ever get the idea that God would supply us on demand with quick fixes, that God is merely a rescuer, and not a midwife?" -Sue Monk Kidd

Sue parallels seasons of unrest as a retreat into birthing something new. Birthing is a process. Life is a process. CHRISTIANITY is a process. If you've ever had a midwife, you know. She doesn't just "check on you" during your appointment and then leave you alone in between. She doesn't just show up to catch your baby either, she's accessible. She's available. She's there during the entire birthing process doing whatever she can to make sure this is a successful, beautiful birth. How much more attentive is God?

So, I'm learning to rest in this season of waiting. I'm not entirely sure how to do that. It is a daily struggle, but I believe on the other side of this inconvenience, I'll emerge something new.

LOL- Laugh Out Loud

Do you ever take a moment to look at yourself, and just laugh?

During the first baby shower that I had, there was a moment that they asked anyone to share any advice for parenting, etc. The one thing that stood out to me the most was to learn to laugh during crazy situations. This Wise Woman shared how her kids would often get in to mischief, and instead of reacting, she would take a picture of it first and THEN deal with the situation. Why? So that she could laugh about it later.

When Ryan and I first got married, there were many times that we would be "rushing" out the door to his place or that mostly due to my lack of motivation. I am not a morning person. Ryan had to be at the bus station by 6:30am. Yes, there were many days that I took him in my PJ's, driving one handing while desperately gulping down some coffee. One of these hurried mornings, He had put on a shirt hurriedly and moments later, it ripped. So, he rushed back upstairs to find another one while I was quickly pulling myself together. He came rushing down stairs, and pulled the orange juice out of the frig, uncapped it, and gave it a shake. yeah....no cap. Orange juice is lovingly making its way all over my walls, down my cupboards, and puddling my nicely washed kitchen floor. Ryan was ready to blow a gasket, and all I could do was laugh.

Yesterday, we were supposed to have a showing of our house. So, I rushed my kids on over to my Mom's house, and I rushed back home and worked as fast and as hard as I could. My phone had died the moment I got home. I searched briefly for my charger, but didn't want to waste time so I just started cleaning like a mad woman. Moments before I was about to finish, I found my charger and plugged my phone in only to discover that the showing had been canceled. yep, canceled. I sat on the couch feeling completely spent and defeated. Why God? Why all this excitement and hard work in feeling that maybe just maybe the next owners of our house could be coming today? Why all this just for it to be canceled? He answered with: Well, at least you're ready now. And I laughed because He was right.

Today I had another opportunity to laugh. Yep, they're coming daily now. I packed my kids up to go to a staff meeting: something I never do. They both were loud and Isabel was asking for food, and Timothy was not wanting to eat food. Both were getting into everything, and I was juggling changing diapers and giving comments, and I felt generally overwhelmed and slightly chaotic. But, everyone was very gracious so I continued to stay. But, then it was time to go. Isabel protested, and before I knew it, milk was everywhere on me and on her. It took two other people helping me get my kids to the car. When the doors were shut and the air conditioner was blowing, I sat there and laughed.

It feels a whole lot better than crying.

There is Always Enough

A few years ago, I had a dream about Heidi Baker. Heidi and her husband, Roland Baker have a massive ministry to literally thousands of orphans in Mozambique. If you are unfamiliar with Heidi and Roland Baker, I highly recommend you visit their website: http://www.irismin.org/p/background.php

Back to the dream, I had this dream that Heidi Baker was speaking at our church. In the dream, she was sharing that there wasn't enough money to feed the amount of orphans that they had. She wasn't sharing it out of a heart of desperation, she was just giving us an update. And then she went on to share that when she and her orphans experience a time of lack and when it doesn't seem that there is going to be enough, they consider it a Holy Fast unto the Lord. That there is joy in the midst of poverty because He is good.

The dream moves on, and people just start running to the front and giving anything that they have: watches, purses, money, clothes, etc. They put it all down this drain in the middle of the floor (I know it sounds odd). It begins to clog and overflow, so Heidi instructs them to get it all out. So they bring in this giant machine to suck it out of the ground. She tells everyone to watch because the Lord was going to show them that He is their provider. As they start to suck these things out of the ground, it instantly turns into Maize and it comes bursting out of the ground like a geyser and there was more than enough.

This dream has stuck with me over the years. When I come to a place of feeling like our finances our impossible, I always think of this dream. There are plenty of time that I feel like I want to beg and beg and beg God and simply wallow in my time of apparent lack. I want to pity myself, and then reprimand myself for not "doing" enough. The truth is, there is always room for improvement, but sulking about it won't get me anywhere. It reminds me of what the Israelite army did in facing Goliath- they just talked about him. The more they talked, the more they were afraid. And then, in walked David. He was sickened by what was being said about God and Goliath's portrayal of him. So he chose to face him dead on- and the army of people STILL wouldn't back him up. Why? Because all they believed him and could only see the reality of the situation-that he was greater than them. ALL of them let him face Goliath by himself. I sometimes get far too comfortable with just talking about my problems and letting them seem much bigger than me. Its really easy to listen to them tell me who they think God is. Yet, I know in my heart: there is always enough, and God is much bigger.

Jason Upton makes a good point in this song that he wrote:

There's a power in poverty that breaks principalities
And brings the authority's down to their knees
There's a brewing frustration and ageless temptation
To fight for control by some manipulation
But the God of the kingdoms and the God of the Nations
The God of creation sends His revelation
Through the homeless and penniless Jesus the son
The poor will inherit the Kingdom to come
Where will we turn when our world falls apart
And all of the treasures we've stored in our barns
Can't buy the Kingdom of God?
Who will we praise when we've praised all our lives
Men who build Kingdoms and men who build fame

Heaven does not know their name
What will we fear when all that remains
Is God on His throne, with a child in his arms,
And love in his eyes
And the sound of his heart cries

Where my soul feels lack, and my heart feels deprived; my spirit is rising up to face those giants.

There is always enough.

Do I really trust Him?

I haven't always been patient throughout my life. As I said in the beginning, I am an "all or nothing" person. Having that quality, doesn't always afford much patience. I'm always looking ahead, and I like to know what's coming. Waiting is painful especially when you don't know the outcome. It seems that this year has been about waiting.

waiting.

waiting.

I've learned more on how to trust the Lord and not step into worry or anxiety like never before, but I still don't think I've fully gotten it. Before I met Ryan, it seemed like I would never get married. I was only 19, but inside I felt like I had been waiting decades. I don't like waiting. Did I mention that?

Here I am though, I've been waiting for 4 years to buy a house that I would truly love. A few months ago, we felt like the Lord spoke to us and said it was time to sell our house. Of course, I was thrilled, and Ryan was on board (even better). SO, we put our house up for sale.

And we're waiting.

We've felt like the Lord has said to pack our bags, and so we're packing our house up.

And we're waiting.

Today, we found a house that we are both absolutely in love with. Not a house that will just "work", or we can make "work", or needs tons of "work", no the perfect house to suit our needs and desires.

And the waiting becomes accelerated.

I've found myself wanting to frantically start praying, and cleaning, and packing, and moving, and...and...I can't do that. Do I really trust him? He said. He said. It's tricky business, trusting with absolutely no tinge of anxiety or fear. It's impossible to completely trust someone if you still have fear lurking in the corner. It's plain and simple: you are not really trusting.

Years ago, when I was little, my parents heard about this gorgeous place in New Mexico, where you could rent a cabin in the mountains. By this time, I was about 5, and my oldest brother was about 13, so my parents were looking for something more adventurous than just camping. We fell in love- ALL of us! We went fishing, and horseback riding (in the mountains!), shopped in a town just a little over a mile long, and enjoyed the beauty of the mountains. We were sold. They became our mountains. Almost immediately, my parents began to search for a Cabin to call our "home away from home".

It wasn't until I was about 22 years old, that they finally fulfilled that dream. The part of this story that I love is that the Cabin that they now own, they actually viewed years ago. If they had bought the Cabin then, they would have had to do an enormous amount of work to get it to where it is today. They're cabin is over 100 years old, and unfortunately it sat for years. Animals had completely infested it, and the logs were wearing out. A couple ended up buying it (because my parents didn't) and they put an enormous amount of work into it. They got rid of most of the critters, and redid all the chinking (hard work). The next couple added several upgrades to the actual look of the home, and almost completely left all the furnishings for it! yeah, wow.

"I am going to prepare a place for you". -John 14:2

I've always thought of that scripture only referring to our place in heaven. And yet, Jesus instructed us to pray for "His Kingdom to come, and His Will to be done on EARTH AS IT IS IN HEAVEN. I'm believing that He has, and is preparing a place for us. I'm learning to trust, and yes learning to wait because I know that He wants the best for us.

Kindred Spirits

It's not always easy to "connect" with people in life. I've found it even harder to connect with married people that "fit" into who we are as a couple. Most of the time, one of us connects while the other half is bored out of their minds or just plain annoyed. Friendship is such a valued thing. Life is meant to be shared between multiples of people. Let's face it, we were created for relationship.

Most of the time, I've had to go searching for these gems of people to relate to. It's usually tons of work, and definitely rewarding to do so. BUT, there is on occasion, where I feel that I have been divinely connected with someone. Those moments are even more precious to me. It feels like a direct gift from heaven to suddenly have a connection and not have to wade through several conversations of awkward silence before finally reaching a place of openness.

L.M. Montgomery labels it as finding a "kindred spirit". Someone in whom you instantly connect with, like finding a long lost relative. It seems that I go threw these periods of time where I can't seem to connect with someone, and a part of me feels like its slowly wilting inside. I never realize it until I suddenly make that connection again. I can feel the life come rushing back inside of me, and I feel like I can embrace things again with confidence.

I am slowly coming alive.

Character Development

Ok, so I love to read. I especially LOVE to read old classic novels. One of things that I always look for in a book is good character development. I read a book one time that had so many characters and they all seemed alike! I had to have a "cheat sheet" just to keep them separated some how- not good character development. SO, to start off: I thought I'd do a bit of character development- just so you don't need to cheat sheet to remember me.

I grew up in the same house almost my entire life. Yep, and I'm still a major home body. I've never lived in an apartment, and I've only dated and kissed one guy, and I'm married to him. We've had a full marriage in our five years, and have two hilarious kids to show for it- oh and we still want more (kids, that is)! I have been involved with a church every since I was twelve and I love it. I'm a singer/songwriter and there is nothing more lovely than to hear my husband play the guitar. I'm a simple person really. I don't need much to keep me happy- wine, brie cheese, laughter mixed with a good book and a little thunderstorm outside, and I'm good. Ok, so that maybe a bit over the top, but you get the idea: simple.

I'm also tall, don't dye my hair, don't wear make-up unless I'm going out with my Man, or off to church. I tend to be outspoken and often have to retract what I say because it was just way too blunt. I come from a long line of opinionated people where honesty comes easily. I'm also a giver, I like to "find" things that people need. I really enjoy a good sale and a good "hunt" to find what I'm looking for and I almost NEVER pay full price for it.

I like to be challenged and to challenge others. I'm an all or nothing person. I like to think that I view things differently, but mostly I'd like to find people who also don't mind looking on the other side of things. Maybe we'll all learn something; be challenged; have fun; drink wine; enjoy life; develop character.

Have you forgotten me yet?