Thursday, July 29, 2010

God is my midwife

"How did we ever get the idea that God would supply us on demand with quick fixes, that God is merely a rescuer, and not a midwife?" -Sue Monk Kidd

After writing about my woes with waiting, my loving Aunt sent me a book by Sue Monk Kidd titled: When the Heart Waits. After reading the first few pages, I knew this was not a book for the faint of heart. I could already feel the words looking around in the dark for a light switch. Not ready to go there, I surrendered it to my night stand where it glared at me every night before I went to bed. Timing is key, and I knew it wasn't the right time until last night.

After undergoing a weekend of literal transformation, there was quite an unveiling of my thinking. My church has this requirement for all of our leaders to attend what they call an "Encounter Weekend". Since I attended something similar to this 8 years ago, I've been sort of "grandfathered" in. Feeling the conviction of being the worship leader, I felt it was necessary for me to go ahead and attend. How's that for honesty?

I really didn't have high expectations. I knew I had dealt with a lot of these things eight years ago, so what else could there be? It's amazing how much unforgiveness, judgments, vows, and ungodly beliefs creep back in without you even knowing. The first night, I was hit with the realization that I let fear have the reins quite a bit. Not only that, but my way of dealing with fear is escape. y-u-c-k. Both of those were revelations, but the real kicker was my large amount of unbelief. That's right, I'm a Christian and I struggle with unbelief.

I had no idea that I viewed God as this Being that was waiting for me to have all my ducks in a row, and even then there was STILL something I needed to do before He could bless me. y-u-c-k. I realized just how powerless my prayers have been. If I think that I'm not good enough to receive anything, then what am I going to do? NOT RECEIVE ANYTHING. Thus feeding my unbelief.

"He loves me because He loves me because that is who He is." -Graham Cooke

So after having all of this revelation, I found myself sinking back into the "I'm not good enough and will never get the desires of my heart" syndrome. double y-u-c-k. And there it was sitting on my nightstand begging for me to read it. I knew it was time, but wow did it ever hurt. I read until my heart couldn't take the digging any longer- 38 pages worth.

I have been a "fix me" sort of person my whole life. Come do it quick so I can move on.

"How did we ever get the idea that God would supply us on demand with quick fixes, that God is merely a rescuer, and not a midwife?" -Sue Monk Kidd

Sue parallels seasons of unrest as a retreat into birthing something new. Birthing is a process. Life is a process. CHRISTIANITY is a process. If you've ever had a midwife, you know. She doesn't just "check on you" during your appointment and then leave you alone in between. She doesn't just show up to catch your baby either, she's accessible. She's available. She's there during the entire birthing process doing whatever she can to make sure this is a successful, beautiful birth. How much more attentive is God?

So, I'm learning to rest in this season of waiting. I'm not entirely sure how to do that. It is a daily struggle, but I believe on the other side of this inconvenience, I'll emerge something new.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

LOL- Laugh Out Loud

Do you ever take a moment to look at yourself, and just laugh?

During the first baby shower that I had, there was a moment that they asked anyone to share any advice for parenting, etc. The one thing that stood out to me the most was to learn to laugh during crazy situations. This Wise Woman shared how her kids would often get in to mischief, and instead of reacting, she would take a picture of it first and THEN deal with the situation. Why? So that she could laugh about it later.

When Ryan and I first got married, there were many times that we would be "rushing" out the door to his place or that mostly due to my lack of motivation. I am not a morning person. Ryan had to be at the bus station by 6:30am. Yes, there were many days that I took him in my PJ's, driving one handing while desperately gulping down some coffee. One of these hurried mornings, He had put on a shirt hurriedly and moments later, it ripped. So, he rushed back upstairs to find another one while I was quickly pulling myself together. He came rushing down stairs, and pulled the orange juice out of the frig, uncapped it, and gave it a shake. cap. Orange juice is lovingly making its way all over my walls, down my cupboards, and puddling my nicely washed kitchen floor. Ryan was ready to blow a gasket, and all I could do was laugh.

Yesterday, we were supposed to have a showing of our house. So, I rushed my kids on over to my Mom's house, and I rushed back home and worked as fast and as hard as I could. My phone had died the moment I got home. I searched briefly for my charger, but didn't want to waste time so I just started cleaning like a mad woman. Moments before I was about to finish, I found my charger and plugged my phone in only to discover that the showing had been canceled. yep, canceled. I sat on the couch feeling completely spent and defeated. Why God? Why all this excitement and hard work in feeling that maybe just maybe the next owners of our house could be coming today? Why all this just for it to be canceled? He answered with: Well, at least you're ready now. And I laughed because He was right.

Today I had another opportunity to laugh. Yep, they're coming daily now. I packed my kids up to go to a staff meeting: something I never do. They both were loud and Isabel was asking for food, and Timothy was not wanting to eat food. Both were getting into everything, and I was juggling changing diapers and giving comments, and I felt generally overwhelmed and slightly chaotic. But, everyone was very gracious so I continued to stay. But, then it was time to go. Isabel protested, and before I knew it, milk was everywhere on me and on her. It took two other people helping me get my kids to the car. When the doors were shut and the air conditioner was blowing, I sat there and laughed.

It feels a whole lot better than crying.