Thursday, July 29, 2010

God is my midwife

"How did we ever get the idea that God would supply us on demand with quick fixes, that God is merely a rescuer, and not a midwife?" -Sue Monk Kidd

After writing about my woes with waiting, my loving Aunt sent me a book by Sue Monk Kidd titled: When the Heart Waits. After reading the first few pages, I knew this was not a book for the faint of heart. I could already feel the words looking around in the dark for a light switch. Not ready to go there, I surrendered it to my night stand where it glared at me every night before I went to bed. Timing is key, and I knew it wasn't the right time until last night.

After undergoing a weekend of literal transformation, there was quite an unveiling of my thinking. My church has this requirement for all of our leaders to attend what they call an "Encounter Weekend". Since I attended something similar to this 8 years ago, I've been sort of "grandfathered" in. Feeling the conviction of being the worship leader, I felt it was necessary for me to go ahead and attend. How's that for honesty?

I really didn't have high expectations. I knew I had dealt with a lot of these things eight years ago, so what else could there be? It's amazing how much unforgiveness, judgments, vows, and ungodly beliefs creep back in without you even knowing. The first night, I was hit with the realization that I let fear have the reins quite a bit. Not only that, but my way of dealing with fear is escape. y-u-c-k. Both of those were revelations, but the real kicker was my large amount of unbelief. That's right, I'm a Christian and I struggle with unbelief.

I had no idea that I viewed God as this Being that was waiting for me to have all my ducks in a row, and even then there was STILL something I needed to do before He could bless me. y-u-c-k. I realized just how powerless my prayers have been. If I think that I'm not good enough to receive anything, then what am I going to do? NOT RECEIVE ANYTHING. Thus feeding my unbelief.

"He loves me because He loves me because that is who He is." -Graham Cooke

So after having all of this revelation, I found myself sinking back into the "I'm not good enough and will never get the desires of my heart" syndrome. double y-u-c-k. And there it was sitting on my nightstand begging for me to read it. I knew it was time, but wow did it ever hurt. I read until my heart couldn't take the digging any longer- 38 pages worth.

I have been a "fix me" sort of person my whole life. Come do it quick so I can move on.

"How did we ever get the idea that God would supply us on demand with quick fixes, that God is merely a rescuer, and not a midwife?" -Sue Monk Kidd

Sue parallels seasons of unrest as a retreat into birthing something new. Birthing is a process. Life is a process. CHRISTIANITY is a process. If you've ever had a midwife, you know. She doesn't just "check on you" during your appointment and then leave you alone in between. She doesn't just show up to catch your baby either, she's accessible. She's available. She's there during the entire birthing process doing whatever she can to make sure this is a successful, beautiful birth. How much more attentive is God?

So, I'm learning to rest in this season of waiting. I'm not entirely sure how to do that. It is a daily struggle, but I believe on the other side of this inconvenience, I'll emerge something new.

1 comment:

  1. wow Kathryn this was so powerful and I can relate to exactly all you said you have been struggling with all along...I too do that and still have to ask God to change that in me. I want to allow him to give me a daily revelation on who he is and not be controlled by fear and lack of trust. Thanks for sharing and for being so that about you!