A Lawn Mower and An Ant Hill

Yeah, so recently I've been struggling.

Really struggling.

Not the "I don't want to get out of bed" or "I just want to cry all the time" sort of struggling. Mostly the "Who am I really?" and "Do I have what it takes?" sort of struggle.

There has only been one other time in my life that I have wrestled with myself this much, and that was 5 years ago. I was in a situation where I was being accused wrongfully- and I knew it.

BUT, it made me begin to doubt myself. I thought about that situation every day. I was constantly having to pray through things and "let it go". I had never doubted myself so deeply, until recently.

Again, I've experienced another one of those situations that I was misunderstood. I hate being misunderstood. If I could right one wrong for my life, it would be that I would never be misunderstood again.

So, I was outside with my kids once again pondering this whole situation in my head, and I got fed up! So, I decided to pour my energy into mowing my lawn instead of fretting over what I "did" and "didn't" do right. Right as I was at the very end of finishing up, I felt all these little pin pricks on my skin- yep. I had walked right over an ant hill without knowing it. I completely panicked and started stripping my clothes off as fast as I could! I literally had ants crawling up my pants. yeah...meanwhile my daughter, Isabel is laughing at me and yelling out that she can see my "underpants".

I broke out in hives, and if it weren't for my Mom talking with me over the phone, I think I would have passed out, because I panicked. Once my husband came home and gave me some water, I calmed down and the hives went away almost immediately.

I realized that I feel like emotions got attacked by a bunch of ants- it was sudden and out of no where, and I panicked. And it still hurts. But, I know as soon as I begin to let go of my panick, and trust that God is with me, I know the pain will eventually subside. I know He's there to help, as soon as I'm ready to trust Him.